What If…

I’ve been told throughout the last seven years by various people that I did things “the right way” or how lucky I am that the only man I’ve ever been with turned out to be my husband.

But I can’t shake this feeling that I’m missing out on something.

I was watching a movie the other day about a woman living independently, taking public transportation on her own, paying her own bills, driving her own car, and being her own person. I realized as I was watching this that I would never know what that feels like.

I’ve never wanted to be with anyone else, believe me, and I, like most sane people, would never want something or someone to come between Eric and I. But sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I’d had other boyfriends before him.

What is it like to kiss the lips of someone who will break your heart? What does it feel like to walk somewhere completely alone, with no backup plan? What does it feel like not to have someone to rely on all of the time?

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak, so I don’t necessarily want to repeat those feelings. I suppose what I’m searching for is a sense of independence. Maybe I rely too closely on others to get me through life.

Eric and I grew up together into the people we are now. From Sophomore year of high school, we’ve been inseparable. I’ve been dependent on him to keep me safe, sane, and happy for the last seven years of my life. He’s always been a phone call or a text away, and that’s amazingly comforting and wonderful. I love that he’s always there for me and would come help me if something were to happen.

I’m not saying that I would enjoy being away from him and cut off like I’m suggesting, I just want to know what it feels like; how my life would be different. I know I wouldn’t enjoy it and would most likely spend the day pining over him or feeling sorry for myself.

As much as I want to find out the answers to these questions; at the same time I don’t. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I don’t want to be with anyone but him for the rest of my life.

Does anyone else feel this sense of conflict or is it just me?

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