So, it’s been a hot minute.
I took this last week off of life pretty much for what I’m calling a “mental health week”. The week before I was purely lazy and couldn’t think of something to write about.
Anyway, I have something that’s been on my mind this whole week. Most of the reason I took off was because for most of the last two weeks, I’ve been chained to my bed by excruciating back pain. I don’t mean “it hurts and I’m stiff so I stretch it out and I’m better” I mean, “this hurts so much I wipe my allergy-ridden nose on my pillowcase because I can’t reach the freaking tissues.”
When I was younger, my mother and I were in a pretty serious car accident. We weren’t hurt when it happened, but it did jostle us around. Neither of us had any symptoms until just a few years ago. Suddenly I was having more intense lower back pain around my period mixing unfortunately with PMS. From then on it started to happen at other times of the month. Once Eric and I came back from our vacation a few weeks ago, I’ve been in pain. So much so that I nearly went to the ER and even took some leftover muscle relaxers from the last time I did that.
According to the MRI from a few years back I have three herniated discs in my lumbar region and a slight curve of the spine in the same area.
The scary part of all of this was the reality that this is my life. I have the back of a 60 year old woman whose fallen down the stairs one too many times.
How am I going to have kids?
When I was on my yoga kick I was doing really well, I know that exercise and losing weight/gaining muscle around the afflicted area will help and keep the pain at bay, but I have time for that now because I don’t have kids.
Even with keeping active and whatnot, when I worked at that daycare, I came home in tears sometimes because it hurt so much.
Maybe it’s just my new lazy attitude, the lack of adventures I have because I just can’t seem to get out and take that walk I’ve been wanting to. Maybe I am just getting worse.
I talked to Eric about these concerns at one point and, although kids are a long shot for us right now, we talked about adoption and what our options would be. I know I probably should’t carry a child, and honestly when I’m in pain like that the though brings me to tears. He understood and actually agreed with me. Unfortunately it’s hard to tell. I’m under so much stress lately and I’m sure that’s contributing.
For right now I have to focus on picking somewhere to live. The season at the campground where we’re staying is coming to a close, and while I’m stoked about my Halloween costume and handing out candy, the deadline is fast approaching and we still don’t have a place to stay this winter that will really be our own.
Send me some good vibes, guys. I could really use some.