I’ve been dealing with a lot of identity issues lately. When I graduated from college, I was dead-set on becoming a Neuroscientist of some kind. When I got my first job, that passion became working with children, so I wanted to become a Child Psych Play Therapist. Then I realized I didn’t want to be a therapist in the first place, so why would working with kids be any different. Then I wanted to branch into Neuro-Psychology to try and combine the two into something I could feasibly accomplish.
After I lost that job working with kids, I was forced into a very strange part of my life.
The day I was fired, I made some calls to local places that I knew were hiring. A local pizza place told me they needed servers really badly so I set up an interview later that same day.
I felt such an amazing wave of confidence spread over me and felt like I could do anything, that I was a valuable member of society, and that this would be temporary.
Little did I know, just four months later, I would be sitting here having quit that restaurant job writing a blog about what I want to do when I grow up.
I really liked being a waitress. If my boss had been different, I would probably still be working there. I was really new and on my very first Saturday shift (I was covering someone else that day and no one took it easy on me) I was completely overwhelmed. There were several confused conversations between my boss and I, and eventually she decided to cut my hours and put me behind the counter.
In my defense, I was fine every other day I worked there. My usual schedule was still being set, but I hadn’t worked a weekend until that Saturday. Anyway, I was really devastated and angry that she wasn’t willing to give me another chance. She also liked to mumbled to her parents and the owner of the shop in Italian about me and shoot dirty looks at me all the time.
During the interview I was really hopeful because she was so excited to be getting someone that wasn’t fresh out of middle school and was somewhat responsible. I guess she decided I wasn’t good enough. One Tuesday, I got a text asking me to fill in for someone else’s shift behind the counter for the first time. I initally agreed but was wracked with a strange mixture of guilt, fear, anger, and depression once I agreed to take it.
After discussing things with Eric, I knew what I had to do.
“Actually, you’ll have to find someone else to cover that shift, I quit.”
I waited for a few hours to hear back from my boss to see what she had to say. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I definitely wasn’t expecting her to say “okay!” and leave it at that.
Once I was free from that job, I felt completely lost but completely fulfilled at the same time. I was so happy that Eric had agreed I quit and that he would support us until I found other work, but at the same time I was horrified that from that point on all I would do was blog, sit around the house/camper, and gain an incredible sense of uselessness.
Me not having a job again has hit us really hard. We’re able to afford to live, but we’re back to living paycheck to paycheck and it sucks. I wasn’t making much as a waitress, but it was more than I made doing those dumb surveys and video captions.
Recently, I’ve given up on those dumb surveys and video captions. To make money from surveys, you often have to fit into a certain demographic, apparently as I progress through these surveys I fit into less and less. It got to the point where I must have tried to take 50 surveys in two days and didn’t qualify for a single one. It’s a waste of my time and I’m tired of it. The video captioning site fired me because I wasn’t good enough according to their standards, even though I was doing better than average on all counts except following their style guidelines.
All of this jazz to say, now I don’t have a job and I’m back to feeling like a useless pieces of shit. I still want to be a psychologist but I don’t feel like I can even look into jobs in that field without a Master’s Degree in something. I fully intend to go back to school, but I need money to do that.
I can’t look for jobs that need me to leave home because I don’t have a license. Even if I did have my license, I wouldn’t have a car. I can’t get my license yet because I have to re-take my permit test and get a new physical. But because I don’t have insurance yet, a physical costs $45 at a Patient First. It’s all connected and it drives me up the wall to think about it.
So I’m trying to get into writing now. I don’t want it to be permanent because I doubt I could really make a living off of doing it with my skill sets and experience. I was always passionate about writing, but never wanted to make my passion into something I did for a living. I didn’t want it to lose it’s splendor by putting deadlines on it and having someone tell me my writing isn’t good enough. I’ve been writing my own novel for the last few years now and only have it half finished. I’m scared to share it because I don’t like rejection (I mean, who does, really?).
I’m caught in this feeling that I need to be doing something and making money so I don’t feel like a mooch, but I don’t know what to do with this writing thing so I can make money from it but not go “pro.”
I feel stuck, and I don’t feel like myself. I want to do all of these things, but I just don’t feel like I can because of everything going on in my life.