So, as you know, I haven’t written in quite some time. There are a lot of different reasons for that.
First of all, Eric and I have moved once more. We took a little vacation up to the family campground, and wound up staying so we could get out of the hair of the people we were staying with. Turns out, I could get a lot more done here, and I can focus better, so I thought I would put some work towards my novel, write blogs every day, keep in touch with family and friends, and overall become more comfortable.
However, as we all know, life never really seems to turn out as well as we hope.
I’ve been battling that same lurking depression I’ve been telling you all about, my anciety hasn’t been as bad, but I’ll get to that later.
It’s been awesome to throw myself into yet another project I don’t know whether or not I’ll finish, my new YouTube channel. But it’s taking up a lot of time and making me feel incredibly guilty for not having a job.
I’m especially jobless now because the captioning service for which I was working fired me because I had too many errors in my formatting for their videos, so they decided not to keep me and deleted my account. To be honest, I saw this coming, I just thought they might have some pity on me because I was excelling in all of the other areas I was being graded on. I also haven’t been qualifying for many surveys through Mintvine lately, so I’ve just stopped doing them. In the last few days I must have done 50 surveys and gotten paid for maybe 5. That’s really unusual, but I suppose when the consumers that post surveys are looking for 40 year old soccer moms with three cars, 2.5 children, and a house owned under her name, I kinda fall flat.
So, I’m back to square one, feeling as if there’s no point in continuing my job search because everything I do I seem to fail at after a while. It’s not that my interest wanes, it’s not that I don’t know what I’m doing, I just fail according to someone else’s standards.
Thank the Lord for Eric though, his standards are the only ones I seem to be passing with flying colors. I just wish that I didn’t feel so guilty being overwhelmed with the job hunting process. He comes home at the end of the day to me playing video games or watching the 50th YouTube video of the day because I should be doing so many other things, but I just can’t muster up the courage to do them for fear that I might fail, yet again.
Being a woman makes this all the more tumultuous around certain times of the month.
I can’t control my life, and it seems like I should just sleep through my days so they go by quicker. Today especially I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, and almost didn’t, but then was, of course, racked with guilt about not being productive.
I’m too hard on myself, I really am.
But I feel so helpless, and lonely on top of that.
None of my friends talk to me. The woman I was closest to at my daycare job, the woman kind enough to officiate my wedding, hasn’t talked to me since the day of my wedding. I’m left wondering if she had her early departure planned the day of because she was already working out a way to cut me off. I don’t know what I did to upset her, but apparently she doesn’t want to be a part of my life anymore.
My college friends like the occasional Facebook post, or leave the odd comment on a picture, but I’ve not really had a conversation with any of them for about a year, at least, that’s how long it seems.
However, I’ve gotten a few random messages from odd places, a friend from high school invited me over one day to hang out, and now I go to her house every Wedesday to play D&D with her campaign, it’s an awesome outlet, but it’s strange for me because it’s often people I don’t know in attendance, or her younger siblings.. Don’t get me wrong, it’s tons of fun to go and I love her, and her mom, siblings, and friends, but we don’t have the camaraderie I had with my college buddies. I hear that even the group I would hang out with on a daily basis doesn’t even talk to each other anymore.
Another friend, that I’ve had a rocky past with has actually reached out to me a few times as well, sharing videos or snide remarks that make me laugh like they did when we were at college together.
I’ve always been on the border between introvert and extrovert. I want people to be there, present, for me, but I don’t want to have to interact with them for them to know I’m there for them as well. It’s really a difficult situation to be in.
Lately, I’ve been binge-watching grav3yardgirl videos on YouTube, it’s kind of like getting a window into her life and her issues as well as watching her be goofy and test out As Seen on TV products, do her tea vlogs, and make crazy pinterest DIY’s. It’s like having someone to interact with all day long, as sad as that seems. I have no connection with the world anymore and it’s devastating to me that I have to seek refuge in YouTube videos.
I usually assume after a while of not talking, I’ve done something to upset my friends so they don’t want to talk to me until they’re ready, therefore, I’ll wait for them to be ready and not press a conversation. Sometimes, I extend a hand of conversation only to have it cut short or interrupted and never resumed.
I feel stuck, and I feel guilty, and I feel lonely, and I feel sad. I just wish someone would tell me what to do with my life and I would’t have to rely on excuses or lies to tell them how I really feel about something.