Don’t Look at Me.

Lately, my newly found anxiety has been driving me up the wall. It’s now back to the point at which I can’t even try to reach out to my friends on Facebook because I assume they’ll outwardly reject me because we haven’t spoken in so long.

The only friends I even think of reaching out to are the ones who go through the same thing every day.

I feel like I’m on the outside of a glass window looking at my past self enjoying life, smiling, and singing. It’s such a strange sensation.

I think I figured out that it’s because I’m not comfortable. I’m so stressed out that we don’t have anywhere to call our own, that I don’t have a place to truly unwind and be comfortable at the end of the day. Eric and I are in this limbo of a place in our lives and it’s the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been.

I wish I could snap out of all of this and just be normal again. I wish I didn’t take out all of my frustrations at Eric, then feel like a loser for thinking I’m being inconvenient and stressing him out more than he already is.

I feel like all I do is spend my day not thinking about it all and then it all hits me when Eric gets home and I cry, or  I get grumpy. I sometimes think it’s because I forget to eat during the day. I sometimes think it’s because I don’t have anyone to talk to all day an unload on him because I feel shunned from all of my friends.

This weekend was really difficult for me. Usually,  I don’t mind hanging out with people, drinking, and watching the fireworks. I typically enjoy meeting new people in settings like that. When there’s a beginning and an end point, I know I’m going to be alright. That’s why I’m so comfortable in customer service positions. There’s the initial interaction: “Hi, welcome to…my name is…what can I help you with?” the response “Oh I’m looking for…” the resolution “That’s in aisle…” and the conclusion “Thank you very much! Have a nice day!”

These interactions are my bread and butter. I’m usually educated on the subject, I feel like I’ve helped someone at the end of it all, and I don’t have to think too hard about it (though that doesn’t mean I won’t consider all of the superficial judgments they’re making about me afterwards).

This weekend I had a dinner/game night planned with the friends we live with, but I kept forgetting about it, so I wasn’t mentally prepared by the time it rolled around. I was scared and I was worried they would bring something uncomfortable up. These weren’t my friends first so I found it all odd and awkward.

I did it all for Eric. He needed me to be okay, so I decided to be for his sake. I did end up having fun, but I was drinking so it was all permissible in my mind.

We were invited to a neighbor’s party the next day, and initially I said “sure” but the more I  thought about it, the more daunting the task seemed to meet a horde of new people and force myself to deal with more people after going to a family barbecue a few hours before.

I just couldn’t make myself go. So after a mental breakdown and Eric telling me a million times that it’s okay and he understands, we decided not to go.

The night ended with us watching some fireworks off of the front porch, but I was mentally and physically exhausted by the time this holiday was over.

I truly hope that once we get ourselves settled, I can get back to my usual self and won’t be afraid to try and talk to my friends that have always said they’d be there for me.

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